Post 23 is up!

Hey everyone, whats up? How are you? If you were wondering our bacteria didn’t turn green sadly but it was still cool to see the outcome. My family is getting a new puppy soon. He is extra tiny only the size of your palm at best so that’s pretty exciting. Let’s see if I have any interesting stories for today. Well yesterday I pushed a wheelchair around for two hours straight. Tat was tiring but the lady seemed really happy for the ride so that was a plus. I also found out about this really cool study abroad session my school is holding. Maybe I’ll be able to cross traveling to Ireland off my bucket list that would be amazing. The only down side is I am not sure how it will work out if I get this job offer at the nursing home as an activities assistant. I’ll keep you guys posted though if you want to know what happens with that. Oh yeah! Did I ever tell you guys me and my boyfriend broke up. We are still friends though which is really nice. Sometimes the reality is you have to do what is best for you and not what is best for everyone else don’t forget that. I hope you all have a great day I have some more work I need to do.

Daily (should I always do this? No I am not certified or qualified to give advice I just like to help make people happy because I have been on the other end trying to make everyone else happy and not myself.) Advice: Do the things that make you happy because you can’t truly make everyone else happy until you yourself can be happy. If not you will feel so drained and trapped trying to make the world feel your happiness when you yourself can’t.

-Ana

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Post number 22

Hey lovelies how are you doing? Hopefully your doing good. Did you do anything cool this weekend? I know I have been posting inconsistently but i’ll try to type more consistently from now on at least when I can. Tomorrow we will be looking at our bacteria in lab that’s pretty cool. Also on a sadder note I broke up with my boyfriend today and I really am not sure if it makes me happy we can still be friends or hurt more knowing I broke up with him but he is still so understanding. I hope he has the happiest life and I hope we truly can keep being friends because he was an amazing person and even though he wont read this I am sorry I hurt you that was never what I intended to do. But I suppose that is life and from here you just have to move on and do what you believe to be right. With all of that I will message you again maybe not tomorrow because I have a test but Wednesday for sure lovelies. Have a fang-tastic night.

-Ana

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Post number 21 lovelies <3

What’s up buttercups? I haven’t done much, I was off school because of the hurricane Michael but we came back today. Did any of you guys also get hit by the hurricane? If so I hope your all safe and sound. Well since I don’t have much exciting to say please enjoy a poem.

fog rolls in from the ocean
quickly engulfing your thoughts
invading your vision
and ensnaring your emotions
your lungs strain for something
all you can hear is the throbbing
your reflexes slow
your feet feel glued to the spot
your lost in the fog

-Ana

post number eighteen: something I have always needed to say

Firstly I would just like to say you aren’t obligated to read this. It’s something I have just always needed to get off my chest and today is one of those days I have a lot on my mind. So i would just like to apologize because this is a rant that doesn’t pertain to anyone here. Sorry lovelies I hope you have an amazing rest of your day maybe i’ll be back on later.

Please stop asking if I’m alright. please stop assuming that because my life is going great right no I am happy. Stop saying I have nothing to complain about even though your right i probably don’t. But most of all stop assuming that it’s so easy to move on from pain because it’s not. Stop telling me I should talk to my dad more often and reconnect with him because that will make me feel better it doesn’t it hurts so much SO MUCH just seeing his face or hearing his voice. I have made so much progress from that day when I was 11. I had to walk away from my father at the airport an ocean away knowing I would probably never see him again and if I did it wouldn’t be for so many years. But by then so many days have passed I am not 11 anymore, my feelings, my ideas, my dreams nothing is the same. We are now worlds apart in more than just distance. How many special occasions can a father miss before someone breaks. Do you know how many times I waited up late into the night when I was a kid praying and hoping to get even one call from my father. We were best friends and then suddenly he was gone. But my baby sisters who weren’t even old enough to know who he truly was when he left always got a call on their birthdays or special occasions. It wasn’t until I was older that we started to talk more but how long is to late? How many times does someone have to brave losing someone before they break. I have spent so much of my life moving from city to city, town to town, state to state. When does it stop when do you stop losing people that you thought cared about you. How many times do you have to get broken before you forget to trust. Eight years might sound like a long time but is it really? Should I have already moved on from everything? My dad had to leave when I was 11, My stepdad left when I was 16 almost 17, Keeping friends has been so hard and I value the ones I have so much you could never understand. I went to eight different schools just between elementary school and high school. Now I am 19 and I have already been in two different colleges. All I have ever wanted was to stop and stand still. I am so sick of being the new kid, the odd one out, the girl that has to try and make herself feel like she belongs in someone else’s group of friends because by the time I get there most people already know each other. Every time I start to feel like I belong I get shoved into another direction but I should be used to it right? It shouldn’t hurt? Everyone always says I should just move on but what do you think I have been trying to do these past eight years? I’m an adult now I should take my life into my own hands? I’m Trying! But I am so broken and every single time it gets better it always gets worse the pain of leaving people makes me numb and makes it hard for me to have the desire to talk to anyone because what are they going to do leave too? But I am trying to make friends, t get a job, to get an apartment, to reach my dream. So stop telling me oh you should be fine, or oh I’m so sorry, or just try and talk to them. Don’t you think I have? Do you know how many silent tears i have cried alone in the dark. How it gets so hard to breathe that you lose the ability to function. Do you not realize that I have two younger sisters and a mother that I need to be strong for? They are the only people that I know I will always have without a doubt and yes I have a good six friends that I will never be without but I have to be strong for my family. I have spent eight years struggling with my own emotions so that they can be alright because if they’re happy I know I will be someday. They are the most important things in my life. So stop telling me that I should just focus on myself because I will when I move out when I get my own life but right now well I am still doing that I have to keep pretending to be strong so that they can rely on me when they are weak. Don’t get me wrong my mom and sisters have seen me cry they know that I am in pain but those feelings will never be more important than the three of them and so I will have bad days, or bad weeks, but I will always pull it back together for them. So stop asking if I am okay I’m probably not and that’s okay because I know I will be someday but someday is not today, or tomorrow, and it was the eight years that have passed. Someday is the day I am truly happy and fighting to make myself happy. So someday isn’t today but someday i’ll be able to say today is the day I really am okay.

-Ana

Post seventeen: the time between classes and assignments

Good mornin everybody! Well its actually like ten and I have been up for hours but maybe you guys haven’t so mornin all the same. Hopefully you all have a fun day planned or at least a nice calm relaxing one. I will be doing science most of the day but that’s pretty fun to me. What about you guys do you enjoy science? However heres a random shower thought of the day:

Say today you had to start up a journal what would you say? Would it make you happy or would it seem like a task? I feel like sometimes the journals I write are pointless nonsense that no one else will enjoy but that’s alright. Sometimes you don’t have to write for others. Sometimes you can write because the thought of being able to finally express questions you have but can’t say out loud is enough. I know that so many people write because they love it, to make money, and some because it cures their pains. So why do you write? Why do you take the time out of your life to write? I mean sure I have a blog and I keep a journal but I don’t expect people to comment as much as I would love to hear the words of wisdom you have to say or your desires that sometimes people face to face couldn’t understand, but writing for me is an escape from the reality I live in because even though the words I say are all about my reality no one here knows me, I can’t feel the judging eyes of the people around me for the whirlwind of thoughts running through my brain. So if I can just once make someone else smile with my crazy thoughts, if I could just for a few moments place myself in my own fantasy world I will. Not for likes, or views, or comments but for me, so that for even a moment I can feel free from reality, the course work I need to finish, the job I need to find, the apartment I hope to get after. So why do you write? Why do you read blogs, magazines, and books? What would you wan’t to do in this world you get to create? because it’s all yours. So maybe reality isn’t perfect but this is my reality and I wouldn’t change it. I’ll create a world where the me online and the me here in reality can truly be the same happy, confident, and living their dreams. So don’t give up on the things you love, find something you enjoy, and live your life both on here and out in the world to the best of your ability because in the end if you tried hard enough you’ll be truly happy.

That’s all for now! Bye lovelies I have to go to my review but i’ll talk later ❤

-Ana

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Post sixteen!!!!! we are almost to twenty guys!

What’s up buttercups? How is your day going so far? Mine hasn’t been to bad I went for a walk, finished classes and now have to work on some probability and statistics work. I currently am sitting in a nursing home doing work and waiting to go home. My mom works here as an RN so I come here pretty often, I even help out the activities department sometimes if I can. I actually applied here as an activities assistant but I haven’t got anything back but that’s alright. If I don’t get the job here I will just apply somewhere else close by my school that can work around my class schedule. Oh did I ever tell you guys I’m actually CPR certified though I will have to renew it soon. Are any of you guys also CPR certified? It can really help save someones life so if you aren’t you should think about it. Hmmm what else should I talk about. How about this what do you all want to hear about? I’m open to some ideas. Bye Bye for now.

P.S. This is my dog Hank he is super adorable next time i’ll show you my hamster

-Ana

Post fifteen lovelies (we should work on commenting I swear I will reply in time plus I would love to talk to you)

How is ready to have classes alllllllll day long! Not this girl I really just want to go home after my cell molecular lecture today (or you know not go because we have to present today). Does anyone else on here have stage fright? or just a hard time presenting in front of groups? The only redeeming thing about my presentation today is that I get to present with a group of people and they are all really nice and smart. One of them is actually Anissarain. So I think we will do pretty good it’s on DNA replication plus we are going to run through it again before lecture today. Wish me luck!!! (please). Hmmmm I don’t think there is anything else truly amazing going on today aside from a presentation I am nervous for. What about for all of you? is there anything exciting/ nerve wracking going on today? Oh yeah sorry the heading is so long “go big or go home” right? I can’t really go home so I may as well go big I doubt anyone is going to scream at me for a headline that’s too long. But i have to go now i’ll get back on later if I have time. I hope you all have an amazing day/night/ anytime you read this. Stay happy Lovelies.

“Love people for what they are not the imaginary mask you pretend they wear”

-Ana

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Post fourteen (dang three in a day I must be lost huh)

If you want to know the number thirteen is my favorite number and I was really excited to get to thirteen posts. I’m surprised I even got this far but it’s a lot of fun and I hope you all read my thirteen post because it means a lot to me. Well here is a poem I wrote last year:

Each beat of your heart shows your alive

Every scar you’ve ever received shows you can fight

Every tear you have ever cried shows you have emotions

Every breath you’ve ever taken shows you want to try

Every person you’ve ever met has left an impact

Every small thing keeps your heart beating

It’s a cycle and someday it’ll break but when it does know you were loved

If I were to add to this poem now I think it would look something like this now. Tell me what you think?:

Each beat of your heart may hurt

Every scar you receive may tell a story

Every tear you’ve ever shed isn’t a sign of weakness

Every breath you take is a fight to survive

Every person you have ever met may have impacted you but you control how

Every small thing can help put the pieces of your heart back together

It’s a cycle

People get hurt, you get hurt, you move on, you find yourself again

The cycle will break

And you will be left the person you desire to be

Don’t let your scars define you

Don’t let yourself become frozen

P.S. sorry the picture is a little blurry I took it on my phone and transferred it to my computer

-Ana

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Post Thirteen: thoughts or frustrations

So im back much esrlier than i thoughy i would be gotta lobe when your psychology teacher cancels class but doesn’t just email you instead puts it up somewhere else (90% of the class came to class today). Anyway i figured I would come back on and share some thoughts that maybe you don’t have but I’m sure someone other than me has.

So you know most of the time I feel ugly, fat, or like I’m not good enough but there are brief moments where I smile and I feel like that’s cute or I brush my hair out of my face and I feel like any one of those gorgeous people you see everywhere. There are moments I just feel so happy or confident in myself. It will slowly fade and I’ll feel ugly or not cute but I know in that moment I felt cute or felt happy and those moments are the moments I hold on to because nobody feels gorgeous all the time. Even people like supermodels that are gorgeous can’t feel beautiful all the time. Just know that even if you don’t feel beautiful in that moment, even if you don’t think others find you beautiful, it’s not always about your appearance it’s your personality and your actions that can also make you beautiful. So just remember even if your feeling down on yourself someone on this planet of billions of people there will always be atleast one person that finds you inexplicably beautiful you just have to find them. So don’t forget that feeling of happiness or confidence because when you smile or your happy you look a trillion times more beautiful than you may preserve yourself to be. So keep smiling and I hope I can make people smile like that someday.

Goodbye for now lovelies your all absolutely perfect in your own ways don’t forget that and realize you can have a bad day. Your aloud to have a bad day just realize just because you have a bad day or a bad week doesn’t mean you’ll have a bad life. “Dont let the clouds in your life block out the stars in your eyes because they’re beautiful <3”

-Ana

It’s It’s It’s…Post two!

Hey guys! I’m a very curious person. I do not see the appeal in Social Media, can you guys explain it please? It seems like although some platforms are good to give opinions and keep up with old friends, it also causes a lot of pain. Having yourself constantly compared and judged, ignored and passed by, does not seem appealing to me. But then, there are billions of people out there… How do you decide, out of all those people, which ones you would give your narrative of the world to? And why would they care?

~AnissaRain