Firstly I would just like to say you aren’t obligated to read this. It’s something I have just always needed to get off my chest and today is one of those days I have a lot on my mind. So i would just like to apologize because this is a rant that doesn’t pertain to anyone here. Sorry lovelies I hope you have an amazing rest of your day maybe i’ll be back on later.

          Please stop asking if I’m alright. please stop assuming that because my life is going great right no I am happy. Stop saying I have nothing to complain about even though your right i probably don’t. But most of all stop assuming that it’s so easy to move on from pain because it’s not. Stop telling me I should talk to my dad more often and reconnect with him because that will make me feel better it doesn’t it hurts so much SO MUCH just seeing his face or hearing his voice. I have made so much progress from that day when I was 11. I had to walk away from my father at the airport an ocean away knowing I would probably never see him again and if I did it wouldn’t be for so many years. But by then so many days have passed I am not 11 anymore, my feelings, my ideas, my dreams nothing is the same. We are now worlds apart in more than just distance. How many special occasions can a father miss before someone breaks. Do you know how many times I waited up late into the night when I was a kid praying and hoping to get even one call from my father. We were best friends and then suddenly he was gone. But my baby sisters who weren’t even old enough to know who he truly was when he left always got a call on their birthdays or special occasions. It wasn’t until I was older that we started to talk more but how long is to late? How many times does someone have to brave losing someone before they break. I have spent so much of my life moving from city to city, town to town, state to state. When does it stop when do you stop losing people that you thought cared about you. How many times do you have to get broken before you forget to trust. Eight years might sound like a long time but is it really? Should I have already moved on from everything? My dad had to leave when I was 11, My stepdad left when I was 16 almost 17, Keeping friends has been so hard and I value the ones I have so much you could never understand. I went to eight different schools just between elementary school and high school. Now I am 19 and I have already been in two different colleges. All I have ever wanted was to stop and stand still. I am so sick of being the new kid, the odd one out, the girl that has to try and make herself feel like she belongs in someone else’s group of friends because by the time I get there most people already know each other. Every time I start to feel like I belong I get shoved into another direction but I should be used to it right? It shouldn’t hurt? Everyone always says I should just move on but what do you think I have been trying to do these past eight years? I’m an adult now I should take my life into my own hands? I’m Trying! But I am so broken and every single time it gets better it always gets worse the pain of leaving people makes me numb and makes it hard for me to have the desire to talk to anyone because what are they going to do leave too? But I am trying to make friends, t get a job, to get an apartment, to reach my dream. So stop telling me oh you should be fine, or oh I’m so sorry, or just try and talk to them. Don’t you think I have? Do you know how many silent tears i have cried alone in the dark. How it gets so hard to breathe that you lose the ability to function. Do you not realize that I have two younger sisters and a mother that I need to be strong for? They are the only people that I know I will always have without a doubt and yes I have a good six friends that I will never be without but I have to be strong for my family. I have spent eight years struggling with my own emotions so that they can be alright because if they’re happy I know I will be someday. They are the most important things in my life. So stop telling me that I should just focus on myself because I will when I move out when I get my own life but right now well I am still doing that I have to keep pretending to be strong so that they can rely on me when they are weak. Don’t get me wrong my mom and sisters have seen me cry they know that I am in pain but those feelings will never be more important than the three of them and so I will have bad days, or bad weeks, but I will always pull it back together for them. So stop asking if I am okay I’m probably not and that’s okay because I know I will be someday but someday is not today, or tomorrow, and it was the eight years that have passed. Someday is the day I am truly happy and fighting to make myself happy. So someday isn’t today but someday i’ll be able to say today is the day I really am okay.

-Ana